1. They were normal, until they went for dry cleaning.

   image source

   

   Go Gay

2. Bobby : Dude, let’s buy some tools to fix this thing. Know of any place?
   Dorian : Screw it, man!
   Bobby : Whoaw.. relax man.. it’s just tools.. no need for the harsh tone..

   image source

   

   Screw It

3. It’s hard cause it’s so cold

   image source

   

   Stiff Nipples

4. A clever optometrist.

   source

   

   Spex In The City

5. Another smart optometrist.

   image source

   

   Spex Appeal

6. I use S&M Trucking because I like to know that my package is properly bound down.

   image source

   
   

   S&M Trucking

7. Watermelon flavored fried chicken. The combo includes a 40 and greens.

   image source

   

   Flavors of Negros

8. Once you cum, you have to leave town. Everyone here’s a virgin.

   image source

   

   Tillicum village

9. A college good enough.

   image source

   

   Goodenough College

10. Encouraging safe sex after a meal.

    image source

    

    Cabbage and Condoms

11. Me so hapi to eat here again.

    image source

    

    Miso Hapi.

12. Bobby : Where you wanna eat tonight, man?
    Dorian : The Fu King Chinese Restaurant!
    Bobby : Whoaw.. relax dude.. what’s with the rage?

    image source

    

    Fu King Chinese Restaurant

13. Tastes so good you’ll wanna swear.

    image source

    

    Ho Lee Chow Chain of Chinese food

14. Waitress : Good afternoon to you! Welcome to Fuk Mi.

    image source

    

    Fuk Mi Sushi

15. Bobby : Where you wanna eat tonight, man?
    Dorian : Fook Yue!
    Bobby : What?! Why?! What did I do?! It’s just a question man!

    image source

    

    Fook Yue Seafood

16. Freshly squeezed…. Mmmm….

    image source

    

    Lovejuice

17. Is it real?

    image source

    

    Pho Real

18. Bubba! Come on, man. It’s not nice.

    image source

    

    Bubba’s Animal Rescue & BBQ

19. This actually isn’t a bad idea.. a buffet with strippers!

    image source

    

    Nasty buffet

20. Imagine moms waiting to give you a good deal.

    image source

    

    MILFS Ford

21. Better here than the streets.

    image source

    

    Supermarket Of Hoes

22. These surgeons enjoy multi tasking.

    image source

    

    Oral & Facial

23. Are the rates reasonable?

    image source

    

    Pussy Cleaners

24. It comes with clean and clear gardens.

    image source

    

    I’ve Got Hoes

25. Doesn’t sound like family restaurant to me.

    image source

    

    Shagnasti

26. I always wanted a son.

    image source

    

    KidsExchange

27. An organization of specialist contractors.

    image source

    

    BJ Queen Enterprises

28. Enough. Let’s go inside already.

    image source

    

    Labia Theater

29. After Superwoman retired, she started a company.

    image source

    

    Clithero

30. One of the coolest business name you can ever have.

    image source

    

    OMFG

31. Another one of the coolest business name you can ever have.

    image source

    

    WTF

32. So good, you’ll poop!

    image source

    

    Poo Ping Palace

33. A new service that costs 99 cents.

    image source

    

    New BJ

34. They were not only long, they were pho kim long!

    image source

    

    Pho Kim Long

35. Bobby : Where are your parents, man?
    Dorian : They’re at the Pho King Restaurant!
    Bobby : You could use some anger management, dude.

    image source

    

    Pho King Restaurant

NAME__________________ DATE OF BIRTH_______

HEIGHT______ WEIGHT______ IQ__________ GPA______

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________

HOME ADDRESS_____________ CITY/STATE______ ZIP__

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
__________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _________________

If less than your age, explain ___________________

_____________________________________________

Do you own a van? _______________

A truck with oversized tires? _______________

A waterbed?_______________

A pickup with a mattress in the back?_______________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, or a navel ring? _______________

A tattoo?_______________

(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?___________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you?

_______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

_______________________________________________

_______________________________________________

Church you attend _______________________________

How often you attend ____________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

____________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

____________________________________________________

C: A woman’s place is in the:

____________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

____________________________________________________

What do you want to do IF you grow up? _________________

____________________________________________________

____________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ____________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER
TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_____________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for
processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not
try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you
injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two
gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch
your back).

Any Which Way You Can

Big Daddy

Blow

Deep Impact

Deep Throat

Dick

Fire Down Below

Fists Of Fury

Freddy Got Fingered

Free Willy

In & Out

Lethal Weapon

Howard’s End

Shaft

The Black Stallion

The Fast and the Furious

Three Men and a Little Lady

Unlawful Entry

While You Were Sleeping

Woman On Top

xXx

FEUDALISM : You have two goats. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM : You have two goats. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s goats. You have to take care of all of the goats. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM : You have two goats. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else’s goats. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM : You have two goats. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM : You have two goats. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM : You have two goats. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM : You have two goats. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP : You have two goats. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY : You have two goats. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY : You have two goats. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY : You have two goats. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing goats.

PURE ANARCHY : You have two goats. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the goats and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM : You have two goats. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM : You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take piano lessons.

Politics Explained
Steve Jackson’s version

7. The Sex Deprived

• i dont think i would fit in too well; both you & the group sound like perfectly decent people- and im not sure if thats really what im looking for. i like a pretty sketchy scene, weird nightclubs, weirder people, all night parties, hard drugs, raves, mindless & casual sex (which seems to be mostly a myth, tho im still looking into it :) , petty criminals etc etc- your group sounds much more, ah, genteel (and saner, of course, i dont particulrly feel like trying to defend my tastes either).

  Petty criminals? Hard drugs? mindless sex? I think he wants to take drugs with shoplifters and screw them in the middle of nowhere.

• Hi I’m a 28 year old prof. white male, 5′10, 175 lbs, athletic build, 4th degree black belt Karate instructor, my last girlfriend wasn’t into sex as much as I was – so I need to have some endurance sex!! I love to 69 all ways.. to have a woman wrap her legs around my neck as I grab both my forearms and burry my head deep inside her wetness! as she jerks my fat (1 3/4″ – 2″ diameter) manhood in her mouth! sorry about the sex introduction, but it’s been a little while and I let my imagination run wild.. :) I hope you don’t think I’m a bid jerk for writing that.. if you want to pursue meeting, I can send a pic if you interested and we can take it from there. I live in NJ, but would travel to see you..

  LOL. I think he was once a lion tamer who enjoyed sticking his head in the lion’s mouth.

• I am a 36 y/o male…who would love to hear you scream my name while we make passionate love… watch the expression on your face while i orally satisfy every fantasy you ever imagined your pussy could handle…I would love to have the priveledge…of teaching you the joy of love making…if your curious please reply…

  LOL. Dude, take a trip down to Amsterdam.

8. The Low Self Esteemed

• Please forgive me for intruding, but I was just wondering if I could humbly request the honor and privilege of corresponding with you, if you wouldn’t at all mind and can find the time. If this is not possible, I honestly and completely understand. Thank you so much for your gracious and patient consideration.

  Sounding like this will only scare people away.

• Hello. Let me introduce myself. This is me in a nut shell. My name is Joe, I am 36, but look a lot younger, 1/4 Irish, 3/4 Italian, hazel eyes, light brown hair, 5′11″. I live in a house I own with my 2 cats and a dog. I have never been married and have no children, but do love kids. I am honest, sensitive, funny, down to earth and just a real nice guy. I enjoy a good conversation, long walks under the moonlight, dining out, movies, being pampered as well as doing the pampering. If I interest you let me know and I will give you my home number so we can have a real conversation. What do you have to lose? If you don’t like what you hear just hang up and no harm done. Lets talk.

  enjoy being pampered? take it slow dude. a good intro smeared.

9. Realistically Unrealistic

• hi who r u

  u r very very very very very nice

  iwont to be firend plz

  agian ur very nice

  u es very very very qute, Iwont to pinch ur cheecks

• You have a warm & most captivating smile. It rivals the sun in radiance…

  How do you feel about long talks about life?
  Saturday at a museum?
  International films?
  Cider & Potato skins?

  When good intros go bad. how is potato skin romantic?

10. Boringly Boring

• are still available to have fun and good time, they said if for good and worse so I take that, let me know your status.

  it’s like each word costs money to type

• would like very much to get to know you. Have pic so if you want to meet write back and lets get to know one another.

  ‘ok’ is the best reply.

Way Too Personal
Lorina’s adventures in the online dating scene

4. ‘Frightening but harmless’

• Hi my name is Alex 29/m/Los Angeles 6′1″ tall with short Brown hair and hazel green eyes. I will send you a pic of me if you would like me to. Call or E-mail me at xxx-xxx-xxxx ChemicalxFreak@___.com I would love to hear from you, your a very beautiful woman. It would be a great pleasure to take you out to dinner sometime in the future.

  ‘chemical freak’? Looks like I’m smarter. I have 2 emails that I alternate with, whole8inches@__.com and molester_24@___.com

• I would like to see how great of a graphic artist you are. You send me some pictures of you and I have to guess whether they are real or not. I will do the same as soon as I get a picture of me scanned. If interested, reply back. I am not really looking for a relationship, just some on-line fun for the time being.

  What? He’s gonna get 4 pictures of ‘the finger’ face up, down, left and right.

• Hi there ..seems like ur wait is over! ’cause I got curious on your profile. Well girls have found me a real macho! but I care a lot for intelligence and honesty! but you you’ve got to see yourself as opinions are benign! My vitals – Male, a Consultant, 26yrs – 6ft. Write to me at ________@usa.net with your proper mailid and we will carry on from there. But speed is important to me as is confidence, in the reply too! Take care and have a great day or night, depending on when u open this..

  ‘ur wait is over’. The pizza you ordered is here. ‘Yea bro, u got it rite~’

5. Childish Syndrome

• my sense of humor is rather warped so is you face id f*ck you but i wouldend know which end to stick it in

  No comments.

• With all due respect, Attractive, Intelligent, and Creative is a little on the unlikely side. Attractive people (I mean model attractive) usually don’t have personalities because they get everything based on their looks. In other words, don’t hold your breath on that one.

  Only losers bash another person to gain self esteem.

• How are you? Wow, you sure sound like you know what to write in theads and all. But I hope that your ad was not to sound like you have a bighead. Because it sure sounds like you are. But I am sure that you are not. :-) So what’s this crap about how people think you are goth becuase you look pale? There are women in Florida that are more pale than you look. Anyways,I am not making any sense right now becuase of the recent hurricane Floyd fiasco.

  Talk to you soon.. I have some pics if you want some..

  ‘bighead’? It’s pretty dumb to insult and then cover it later with flattery.

6. Missing The Point

• I am a photographer and looking for people to model for me. PLease click the blue link under sender’s profile to see my ad and then reply or call
  xxx-xxx-xxxx if you are interested…

  Dion

  People join online personals for dating purposes, not to find modeling opportunities.

• I just have to say I am absoulutely amazed at your ad. I would have wrote the same exact ad aside from being female and your personal things. I moved out to So-Cal about a year and a half ago and I too had that special someone however things didnt really work out like they were supposed to (do they ever?) Anyway I have met a lot of people and made a lot of friendships. You seem like a really nice person and thats an admirable quality out here. I am from back East and I am definately different minded then most of the freaks (oops I mean people out here) Thats not to say I dont enjoy watching them its kind of fun. But anyway I definately enjoy the things you do and would like to have a simple friendship and explore LA(since I havent had that much of a chance to). A little about me Im 6′0 tall, 25 y.o., athletic build, 185 lbs., and Im told Im very attractive in the all american type look (however I dont have that sexy LA bad boy look). So write me back if you are interested and we can go from there. By they way its funny but I too was in awe of the beauty I saw on the drive out here.

  What? Mistress hunting?

• hi =)

  i saw your ad and i think you’re very pretty

  i am a male film student, i own a digital motion camera, and i want to film a gonzo adult film, which is girls having sex, while clothed guys are there for comedy

  i already have two other pretty girls interested in working with me, and i think you’d make a great addition

  so i am offering to write, direct, and film you in an adult feature, based in the l.a. area

  please write back =)

  Clothed guys watching girls have sex? You must be kidding me. LOL

With huge free sites like match.com and Yahoo personals, many people have taken the match making scene online. The advantage lies in the mutual environment that online dating sites provide. Who you want to make contact with is up to you. You get to view others’ profile, and they get to view yours. If they like you, they’ll reply. Same goes vice versa. But the thing is, how do you pull it off without sounding like a tasteless, boring weirdo?

Easy. Learn from experience. Rather it be others’ than yours. Below are 3 of 10 categorized examples of how a failure’s reply sound like.

Disgusting

• I have a breast fantasy I would love to live out with you, i am willing to pay you to help make it come true, I’m a single white male 5′9″ 150lbs good looking.

  Dude, all you need is a lifetime subscription of ‘Girls Gone Wild’ and a bottle of KY jelly.

• I am so impressed with you in many ways..the mind which you contain..the subtle curves of your body which is very sexy..and the coy look on your girlish face which I have such an urge to kiss.

  I would be more relaxed just discussing the comments you’re receiving from your personal and the demands of your website as I feel it will be very popular. I will tell you more about myself when I’m sure you have received this email and I see how often you reply. I will send a picture with any replies you offer. I will answer any question or try and supply any wishes you have, no bother to me as to how personal.

  I feel that personal and intimate interaction is so stimulating..Would you like to join an exhibitionist maillist group here in ft worth/texas? I can send you the information if you wish.

  Enraptured,Robg

  Reply so that I know it’s safe to send my picture

  Guys, this is how it goes. Scour profiles. Write to interested ones, giving only as much info as her profile offers. On the other side, she’ll check her responses and reply if she’s interested. There, simple as drinking water.

• I AM SINGLE. ATTRACTIVE AND 27 Y/O

  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, HAVE GREAT EYES AND SEEM INTERESTING….

  WELL E-MAIL ME AND WE CAN GO ON FROM THERE..

  BY THE WAY, I LOVE WOMEN IN SHORT SKIRTS, THIGH HIGH STOCKINGS, SUPER HIGH HEELS, MAKES ME THE REAL MAN-!!!!!!

  8 INCHES OF R E A L MAN–!!!!!!!!!!!!

  LOL. You must be Ben Dover. You should be looking for Ilean Dover.

What the..??

• Now i wonder you so when i read message yours which express all my thinks in my mind Realy i;am here for your rsquest i want you To be with me here in cairo ,EG. thus i send You as you want why am i write to you i think if you like to know me more i’ll be ready to send you the costs to bring here I want you be serious in your talking and as You did as sorry i forget to know you by my self i’am egyptian man work in the field of medicine and my profissional is chemist so I’ve a part-time to be good friends not for fun only but all our wishs in the life.now We hope to start.

  Oh Lord, may this profissional be less confissinal.

• Wow I can see that u hold a lot gall. Well lets see, u r nice fram what i read and u looking for that right person Well perhaps u had recieved many emails, but I think i believe in meeting couse if we share thoughts we maid become great partnes. Ill sent u my pic after u reply

  fram what i read, u need many lasens to brus up u englis couse u maid risk be singel 4 life

• HI MY NAME IS JOE AND I AM FROM CHESNUT H-ILL PHILY I AM 6′2″ 29 YR OLD SHORT BLACK HAIR BR EYES JEWISH GAY175 LB I WOULD LIKE VERY MACH TO TO TO YOU BY E-MAIL I ALMOST DOING THE SAME JOB YOU DO I AM AN AUTO CAD DESIGN I AM ORIGIANLY FROM ISRAEL LIVING HERE ALREADY 7 YR SO PLEASE IF YOU WONT TO E-MAIL ME BACK AT *_____@___.COM THIS IS MY WORK ADDRESS OR AT HOME WICH WOULD BE BETER EVEN BECAUSE OVER AT HOME I HAVE MY PIC SO I WILL BE ABALE TO SEND IT TO YOU SO _____@___.COM SO SEE YOU LATER BYE AND HAVE A GOOD DAY.

  Gay? Jewish gay at 175 pounds? You know, you don’t have to to to put _____@___.COM to get an email.

Too Much To Handle

• Hi my name is dean. i’ve been writing to these adds and I never got A response from any of these adds.Are you going to answer my add back.I’m getting A scanner it is on order at sear.I will send you a pic when I get it could you write me back until I send you A pic.I’m A nice guy but I’m shy until I get to know someone.I like going to the pool,movies driven are best.I haven’t been to a driven in a long time.I like playing on the computer.I’m learning abuot the computer as I go.

  Desperate = no reply. Include everything before answering ads.

• Just waisting time and saw how much alike we might be, sick and twisted sense of humor..ect. I am a wee bit older than what you specified in your post, but if all you wanna do is email….. well is that such a big deal? You can find a picture and a little about me at my site.

  Schmookipus

  Schmookipus???? LOL!!!!!!!!!! sexyfroggy? huggiewoof?

• I do fit your bill, to the tee, minus 1 thing. I’m into all cartoons (basically) and dig your humor, but am also in need of a physical and emotional relationship. Nice pic.

  im a design engineer full time, bartender part-time, if you want i’d like to hangout sometime.

  In need of a relationship? (error buzzer goes off) *buzzzzzzzzz…* Yes, you need oxygen, you need food, you need water but NOT a relationship.

Way Too Personal
Lorina’s adventures in the online dating scene

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet
Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years.

A sign posted in Germany’s Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:

Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having
a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today — no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

Laugh Along With GNU
Providing laughs to the working hackers

Americans Are Not Stupid
Funny, funny. Just funny.

Tom Mabe The Funny Guy
How to prank a telemarketer

Talking Dogs
‘I love you mama’

1. What do boxers and astronomers have in common?




2. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?




3. What do you call an underwater spy?




4. What do you call a cute volcano?




5. What’s full of T, starts with T and ends with T?




6. Why do golfers wear 2 outfits when they golf?




7. Why was the math book crying?




8. What do you find in the middle of nowhere?




9. When do doctors get angry?




10. Why would Snow White be a great judge?

Toilet Paper Dispenser
Watch it in YouTube

Judson Laipply is a freaking talented dancer. You just gotta love his moves. Watch out for his rendition of Vanilla Ice’s Ice Ice Baby.
QGQMyN75LFQ

You’ll never realize when you’re gonna get pranked. Here’s a video of people falling into a hidden pool of water.
IFh8Fn5vMuY

May I present to you the super talented Men in Coats from Edinburgh.
MgBjdomV67s

“please smile”…
OLapM_XX3AY

'Click To Play' and pause to let it buffer for awhile if it is lagging. 

a9ifZlu6YKk

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

    

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

    

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

    

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

    

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

    

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

    

7. Never lick a steak knife.

    

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

    

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

    

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

     

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

     

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

     

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

     

14. Your friends love you anyway.